Step 4: Grab Bag

You may not know this but most celebrities are dumb. That's why they need so many people around them. If they didn't have a manger, publicist, agent, joke writer, hair dresser, make up person, designer, personal assistant, dog walker and a posse of no less then 20 people with them at all times they would just be like every other mentally challenged person. But do I have a deal for them! Instead of giving 99.95% of the money they earn to all these people they could just send half to me and I would give them the gift of the Step Up!® program. There has already been a number of celebrities that have been enlightened by Stepping Up!® with out even knowing it! Wayne Brady! Jessica Simpson! and ALF! Just to name a few.(and they all will be receiving a letter from my lawyer for unauthorized Up Stepping!®) Take Arnold Schwarzenegger for example, he is now the governor of the dumbest state in the union and all because he Stepped Up!® and beat Gary Coleman and some other people I don't remember in a election I didn't care about. How if only every movie star or pop star or porn star, wait no, not all porn stars, some porn stars need to Step Down!® then Step Up!® then Step Down!® again then Step Up!® and then jump up and down a little. But back to what I was saying before and that's…hmm…uh, oh yeah! If only these other entertainers would just Step Up!® Take OJ Simpson for example, no on second thought he is going to have to Just Deal!®(another program, another time) How about Bob Saget, he was the king of Friday nights (1987-1995) but now what is he, a bitter angry man who says motherfucker every other word because he just wants to lose that cute Full House Dad persona and the best he can do now is whenever there is a thing about the Olsen twins he gets to be interviewed and says the same damn thing "Oh they are great girls" Bob we all know they are great girls. They have a net worth of over a billon dollars, stop faking not being a little pissed off that Michelle Tanner is now making more money in one day then you make all year. But Step Up!® can fix this. Bob I'm going too talk to you one on one, it's just you and me buddy. Everyone skip ahead this part is just for Bob Saget.

Bob I know how you feel it's hard being type cast, hell I know I get tired of being so damn sexy. But I Stepped Up!® I took lemons and made something that had lemons in the recipe. Well guess what Bob! You still have the thunder. You still have the fire blazing inside. You're still the cock of the walk! You just have to release it! You hear what I'm saying Bob, release your fire blazing thunder cock! No wait! Crap! That isn't what I meant. Don't do that, it wont help trust me. Look it all boils down to two little words, Step Up!® I know you can do it! Now go get them tiger!

Ok if you aren't Bob Saget you can start reading again, if you are Bob Saget stop reading and get to Stepping Up!® no time to waste. So just remember whenever someone says "celebrities are people just like you and me" take it as an insult and stop talking to that person.

Next up
Step 6: The I make this stuff up as I go along step