Step 11: Fuck Off!
Or As They Say In France Le Happy New Year!
Wow it's been while since the last time I posted. Well that's the last time I fall asleep in a Taiwanese whorehouse! I mean really you would think there would be a little more decorum among whores. Oh well, who needs two kidneys anyway...Be right back, I have to pee.
Well it's a new year; the big 05 or 20 ought 5 as the hip kids like to call it. I would like to start these New Year off first by saying I'm a total failure. Pretty much every goal I set for myself at the beginning of last year is still at the beginning stages at the start of this year. Now this would depress most people, and I'm defiantly most people. But it hit me that it's ridicules to mourn a lost year like you do your pet hamster or great grandmother who just kicked the proverbial bucket. NO! I say I will not let the self-pity monster grab me by the balls and twist, because it is I who will do the ball grabbing. It is I who will slap the shit out of my self and say fuck you, stop being such a lazy bastard. It is I who will Step Up!® It's a fresh year! SO what does that mean? Well I'm going to pretend like last year was just one long warm up for 2005 and so should you. You too can forget all that crazy fucked up shit you did last year or didn't do. Totally forget about it, push it out of your mind, its just taking up space. You know how you got fired from your job because the IT guy found all that shemale porn you downloaded? Well that never happened! Remember how you went on that weeklong binge with those hookers and you had a heart attack because you did enough meth to kill an elephant? Hell no you don't remember! You know how you cheated on the one you love and it turned out the person you cheated on them with gave you crabs and then you gave them to your loved one and you said it must be from the dog and he (or she) asked you how that could have happened and they didn't even know dogs could give you crabs and you just shrugged and said you didn't know? Well throw out that little comb my friend! Because it's a fucking new year!
So it's a New Year and with the New Year comes resolutions. Now you could go with the same old crap like losing weight or stop smoking or my personal favorite, be more productive. Or you can Step Up!® and try some of these new and improved resolutions! All these resolutions have been tested and calibrated by the very resolute What A Super Thing Everyone deviation of the Step Up!® Institute. Our top sociological scientists have hand picked some of the most Stepped Up!® resolutions every to exist up to these point in civilized society.
Step Up!® Institute List of
Stepped Up!® Resolutions and Bric-a-Bracs
Stop being annoying
Stop telling everyone about your cat
Take up clogging
Stop asking people what music they like so you can base how you should feel about them
Stop using any argument you saw on any of those 24/7 news channels, same goes for any talk radio
Wash behind your ears more
Start a club for ugly people so you can feel better about your self
Pet an animal you have never petted before
Learn to pick fights with people weaker then you so you can feel stronger
Act like a 14-year-old girl for the entire year
Eat some old fashioned microwave popping corn
Stop being so nice to crippled people just because they're crippled
Become a bad role model
Help lower the national penis size from 6" to 2" so all men can feel a little bit (haha fucking pun) better about themselves
Play make believe
Help convince woman everywhere that most men don't like fake breast
Invent a new fetish
Share your opinion only after you have thought about it for one whole day
Stop being so creepy
Make the world a better place
Smile more
Smile less
Eat something that everyone says taste like chicken and then go around telling everyone it doesn't
Have more slumber parties
Try to stop telling people around you how they should think about something
Become gay
Become straight
Laugh more at funerals
These are just some of the 300,842 Resolutions we came up with. You can get the rest by looking in the mirror and taking a deep thoughtful internal inventory of yourself and maybe staring at the clouds for a little bit.
Next up
Step 12:
The you have to love yourself before I can film it step
Well it's a new year; the big 05 or 20 ought 5 as the hip kids like to call it. I would like to start these New Year off first by saying I'm a total failure. Pretty much every goal I set for myself at the beginning of last year is still at the beginning stages at the start of this year. Now this would depress most people, and I'm defiantly most people. But it hit me that it's ridicules to mourn a lost year like you do your pet hamster or great grandmother who just kicked the proverbial bucket. NO! I say I will not let the self-pity monster grab me by the balls and twist, because it is I who will do the ball grabbing. It is I who will slap the shit out of my self and say fuck you, stop being such a lazy bastard. It is I who will Step Up!® It's a fresh year! SO what does that mean? Well I'm going to pretend like last year was just one long warm up for 2005 and so should you. You too can forget all that crazy fucked up shit you did last year or didn't do. Totally forget about it, push it out of your mind, its just taking up space. You know how you got fired from your job because the IT guy found all that shemale porn you downloaded? Well that never happened! Remember how you went on that weeklong binge with those hookers and you had a heart attack because you did enough meth to kill an elephant? Hell no you don't remember! You know how you cheated on the one you love and it turned out the person you cheated on them with gave you crabs and then you gave them to your loved one and you said it must be from the dog and he (or she) asked you how that could have happened and they didn't even know dogs could give you crabs and you just shrugged and said you didn't know? Well throw out that little comb my friend! Because it's a fucking new year!
So it's a New Year and with the New Year comes resolutions. Now you could go with the same old crap like losing weight or stop smoking or my personal favorite, be more productive. Or you can Step Up!® and try some of these new and improved resolutions! All these resolutions have been tested and calibrated by the very resolute What A Super Thing Everyone deviation of the Step Up!® Institute. Our top sociological scientists have hand picked some of the most Stepped Up!® resolutions every to exist up to these point in civilized society.
Step Up!® Institute List of
Stepped Up!® Resolutions and Bric-a-Bracs
Stop being annoying
Stop telling everyone about your cat
Take up clogging
Stop asking people what music they like so you can base how you should feel about them
Stop using any argument you saw on any of those 24/7 news channels, same goes for any talk radio
Wash behind your ears more
Start a club for ugly people so you can feel better about your self
Pet an animal you have never petted before
Learn to pick fights with people weaker then you so you can feel stronger
Act like a 14-year-old girl for the entire year
Eat some old fashioned microwave popping corn
Stop being so nice to crippled people just because they're crippled
Become a bad role model
Help lower the national penis size from 6" to 2" so all men can feel a little bit (haha fucking pun) better about themselves
Play make believe
Help convince woman everywhere that most men don't like fake breast
Invent a new fetish
Share your opinion only after you have thought about it for one whole day
Stop being so creepy
Make the world a better place
Smile more
Smile less
Eat something that everyone says taste like chicken and then go around telling everyone it doesn't
Have more slumber parties
Try to stop telling people around you how they should think about something
Become gay
Become straight
Laugh more at funerals
These are just some of the 300,842 Resolutions we came up with. You can get the rest by looking in the mirror and taking a deep thoughtful internal inventory of yourself and maybe staring at the clouds for a little bit.
Next up
Step 12:
The you have to love yourself before I can film it step
posted by Dr.Moonman at 2:39 PM
6 Comments:
As always you're funny and truthful, and really really funny.
<3 Truth and comedy.
Fuck goals. They are way overrated.
I made a resolution about 10 years ago that I wouldn't make any more resolutions.....it's the only one I've been able to keep.
-Shiva-TPF-
<3
My resolution:
I'm going to stop using meth.
As I've never done meth, I'm pretty sure I can quit with relative ease.
I skim a lot of blogs, and so far yours is in the Top 3 of my list of favorites. I'm going to dive in and try my hand at it, so wish me luck.
It'll be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about best penis enlarging pills) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about best penis enlarging pills related articles and subjects.
I have a online pet virtual site. It pretty much covers online pet virtual related stuff. Check it out if you get time :-)
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