I Forgot to Step Up! (tm)

The Return of Step Up....maybe

2006-02-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate stuff, and by stuff I mean midgets. They are so fucking weird, I mean really, what the hell is up with midgets? Not a damn things, short bastard.

Okay enough of that madness.

I've had a feeling deep inside me, like something has been missing. What has been missing you ask? Even if you didn't ask this, I don't care. Step Up! That's what, I haven't Stepped Up in months and now my soul is black like the blackest black ever to black the blackest part of black land. I'm talking in the deepest part of the darkest cave in a fucking black hole black!!!! That's fucking black. I've also become a 13 year old emo girl, my parents don't understand me!

But I digress.

What I really have to say is being half Irish sucks when you're poor and like to drink. I wish I could be one of you people, that drink two or three beers and you're totally pissed. But I'm not. I could drink beer all day, and not get drunk, maybe a little tipsy, but that's it. I would also vomit about 50 times because piss actual taste better then most beers, but that's just my opinion. I mean I can and have drank 6 shots of tequila and felt how you earth people feel after 3 beers. This makes me sad. SO! What am I going to do about this? You guessed it, Step the fuck Up! I'm going to drink nothing but home made Stepped Up! alcohol from now on, sure I might go blind because it's going to be 221% proof and I'll have to make a new type of metal that will be able to hold it. But I'm getting pissed like my mates!...how britsh of me.

I like never link to stuff, cus it's gay.

2005-09-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

BUT!

This is fucking awesome!
With a capital AWWWW and a lower case eSome.

CLICK ME

You dig?

Me and my bunion are going to the park, see yah!

Haphazard Hypothesis

2005-07-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

I want too send balloons that say "get well soon" to every morgue in the world, because I bet morticians would get a kick out of that.

Do you like my ankles?...Oh yes I do.

::angst::

2005-07-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sliquid says: Here at Step Up!® we will disavow any knowledge of your angstions.

The number one cure for anget and anget filled people is Step Up!®

FILL THE POWER!

Step Up! ® The One-Year Anniversary

2005-05-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I brought to the world Step Up!® A Psychological revolution.

It was world changing and it changed a lot of worlds. Along with the worlds changing, it also changed a lot of people and rocks and trees and stuff. By this happening everything that Step Up!® touched got ass kicking hobo better! I've been thinking a lot about what the
Anniversary post for Step Up!® should be, and after many sleepless nights (actually I just realized today was the One-Year Anniversary and am making this shit up as I go along) I have come to realizes it's not me that should tell you how Step Up!® made your life better, but you!

SO!

I want everyone who has been touched by Step Up!® in a totally awesome way to comment on this here post and tell me how Step Up!® made you or your pet fish a better fing.

LONG LIVE STEP UP!®

Also I swear to dog there better be more then two comments!!!...I don't care if it's spam.

Whats Going To Be Taking Up All Your Unused Brain Cells For the Next Few Weeks?

2005-05-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

Well this little news story!

DULUTH, Ga. (AP) - On what was to be her wedding day, Jennifer Wilbanks wore not a white veil but an orange towel over her head to prevent the media from taking her picture. Instead of being led down the aisle by her father, she was led by police to an airplane that flew the runaway bride home.

(thats cool how the reporter is able to compare stuff with other stuff)

Now officials say the 32-year-old woman's cold feet may have gotten her in hot water. On Sunday, Gwinnett County District Attorney Danny Porter vowed to look into whether she violated the law by reporting a crime that didn't exist.

(She looks like a gay ghost in this photo...gay ghost don't exist.
ARREST HER!!!)

Wilbanks initially told authorities she was abducted while jogging but later disclosed she took a cross-country bus trip to Albuquerque, N.M., to avoid her lavish, 600-guest wedding.

(Well really who hasn't first started jogging and then ended up on a cross-country bus trip? I know I sure have!)

Porter said Wilbanks could face a misdemeanor charge of false report of a crime or a felony charge of false statements. The misdemeanor carries a penalty of up to a year in jail; five years in prison is the maximum sentence for the felony.

(I hear prison is an awesome way to get out of a lavish, 600-guest wedding)

"If there's criminal responsibility, that's something I have to do something about," Porter said, adding that no decision would be made Sunday. "I think it's really going to depend on the circumstances on how this was done."

(I wish I know what that meant, I would make a really funny comment on it)

Meanwhile Sunday, members of Peachtree Corners Baptist Church, where Mason is a member, said prayers and expressed concern for Wilbanks and her fiance, John Mason, who did not attend services Sunday morning.

(People running away from Baptist? well I never!)

The Rev. Bob Horner thanked church members who had helped in the search for Wilbanks and provided support for family members.

(that last name is mildly ironic, I dig that.)

"Number one, we are so thankful that Jennifer has been found," Horner told the congregation. "Number two, I want to publicly thank all of you who prayed and you who went to Duluth to be with the family."

(Number three, Jennifer is going to burn in hell fire for all eternity for being a liar and a tramp! Amen.)

An FBI spokesman said Saturday that Wilbanks apparently made a sudden decision to flee her looming wedding and did not realize hundreds of people were looking for her. But he also noted she cut her hair to avoid being recognized.

(I really don't think just cutting her hair would have done the trick)

Porter said he would speak on Monday to police in Albuquerque, where Wilbanks turned up late Friday and called her fiance and 911 to report that she had been kidnapped.

(Worst fibber ever!)

Despite angry calls from some residents, authorities in Albuquerque said they had no plans to charge Wilbanks, though they haven't ruled out the possibility.
"We don't have to charge everybody," said Albuquerque police spokeswoman Trish Ahrensfield. "We have discretion. We are human beings. We have feelings and we are professional at the same time."

By all accounts, authorities in Albuquerque befriended the woman.

(Well yeah, they got one look at the husband and took pity on this nut job of a woman)

Wilbanks boarded her plane wearing a new FBI hat, blazer, polo shirt and pants and carrying a new tote bag and teddy bear, a gift from the aviation police chief. She flew first-class and said she planned to name the bear "Al," for Albuquerque.

(Damn if I know you get all kinds of wonderful parting gifts when you fake your own kidnapping I would do it too! Also this woman is 32 year's old and is still naming stuffed animals! She should be put in prison for that reason alone)

"Law enforcement is really making a major move to deal with people in crisis," Albuquerque Police Chief Ray Schulz said Sunday. "Miss Wilbanks was definitely a person in crisis."

(thats awesome how the police of Albuquerque are Stepping Up!® and like helping people in crisis. I mean thats so un-police like ain't it?)

But the Gwinnett County district attorney noted that vast law-enforcement resources were used to look for the missing bride.

After she disappeared last week without her keys, wallet or diamond ring, more than 100 officers led a search that involved several hundred volunteers, including many wedding guests and members of the bridal party.

(Well the wedding guests and bridal party shouldn't be bitching, I'm pretty sure thats part of the deal if you're invited to a wedding. Bride go's missing, you have to help look or you get no cake.)

Porter said he had no jurisdiction over the woman's initial 911 call in Albuquerque, in which she told an operator she was kidnapped by a man and a woman in their 40s who were driving a blue van. Through sobs, she told the dispatcher they had a small handgun.

("small handgun" hahaha thats totally a jab at the dudes penis size)

But Porter said Wilbanks could be charged for reporting her kidnapping story over the phone to Duluth Police Chief Randy Belcher.

(OH DAMN! not old police chief Randy "I don't like fakers" Belcher!!! AHHH!)

Last year, a Wisconsin college student who faked her own abduction and turned up curled in a fetal position in a marsh was given three years' probation for obstructing police and was ordered to repay police at least $9,000 for their search.

(Damn those crazy Wisconsin college student all hopped up on cheese)

Well...thats it folks!
The totally useless news story thats going to be used to distract everyone from the fact that 11664 people have died in Iraq since the start of the oil monopolization!...uh I mean war.

What do you have to say about this Al the Bear?

AWESOME!

This is where I got the story from so I don't like piss them off CLICK ME

MONKEYS ARE A EASY OUT!!!

Honoring Greatness Step Up!® Style: Ashlee Simpson

2005-04-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ashlee Simpson, one of the most pure souls on this planet made a mistake; well really her parents made the mistake.

Ashlee Simpson was tricked! Yes that's better. She was tricked into thinking she had talent. Driven both by her parents and her blind insanity to live up to her almost god like sister Jessica Simpson.

Who by law has to wear a helmet at least 75% of everyday.

Now this type of pressure would kill most normal people, but because Ashlee is such an unbelievable person and personal friends with baby Jesus, she is able to grin & bare it.

If only we all could learn from Ashlee and her greatness. Maybe the world would truly be a better place
just like that song by Ashlee intitled
"Love Make The World Go Around".

Nothing more true has ever been said.

Ashlee Simpson we salute yee!

I haven't posted anything in so long!

2005-04-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking and one of the reasons I haven't posted in so long is I have painted myself into a box. The style I think I have to write in to post is at times really fucking annoying; I mean a man can only figure so many ways of saying Step Up!® in a given opinion.

So what is the Doctor going to do you ask...ask this now, it will be better if you actually say it outloud so as at least one other person hears you.

Well the Doctor is going to mix things up, he's going to be a little wild and try something new. I'm going to post anything and everything and anyway I feel like at the moment. Now this maybe for a little while or a big while, but thats what I'm doing. So pretty much this is going to be like any other annoying blog for the time being. But really with the power of Step Up!® can anything be like any other annoying thing, and if it is it's annoying to a whole new level, there by making it awesome again.

Hooray for the power of the Step Up!®

Now this doesn't mean I'm not doing steps anymore. I just want to bring some life back to this bitch, and I think this is the best way to do it.

Now because it's been so long here's a dumb prank phone call I did, take note of the awesome redneck accent
*!BONUS!* CLICK ME *!BONUS!*

More to come...hee hee come

Free .TK Come On Up! Your the next contestant on Step Up!

2005-02-04T06:53:00.000-08:00

Well I got me a free domain name. So up date your links or something.

http://www.juststepup.tk/

I think the tk stands for "totally kool"

Sure it's not one of them fancy dot coms all the cool kids have, but it's free!
Go here if you want one and pick the free option.

Real Step Up step on its way you little whipper snappers.

Step 12: Turn That Stereotype Up To 11

2005-01-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

I love stereotypes because most of them are outrageous and no person with any common sense would think of them as being true. Yet a large majority of people not only believe them, they love telling everyone around them reasons why they are true, "well you see the black is a superior athlete because they got an extra bone in their ankle, here look at this chart I got off totallyfuckingbullshitinfo.org that proves it." But I think my favorite of all stereotypes is that all Americans are fat and lazy and all we do is eat McDonalds and sit on our ass's watching TV. I'm a good example of this stereotype, but I am a minority! I have yet to see the army of lazy Big Mac munching couch potatoes the rest of the world, mostly Europeans, say we are. Now I like this stereotype so much because it's not even close to being true, but it's being told to us so much that even we Americans believe it! God bless the herd. Amen. Now sure there are a lot of fat people in America, but are we really the fattest nation? Are we really as lazy as the rest of the world is saying? Well I was going to search for some stats and stuff to prove we aren't lazy but I didn't want to look for any and just figured it would be easier if I made my own. SO! Here are some cold hard facts showing Americans are awesome and all you United States haters should chill.

^^^^^^^^CLICK ME TO SEE ME IN ALL MY FULLNESS^^^^^^^^

As you can see from the Stepped Up!® Pie Chart above, America is not at all lazy and the rest of the world is lacking in something.

So what we need to do is fix these national misconceptions. How will we do that? Well by making new ones to replace them. Because we all know how Americans have super short attention spans! You didn't know that? Well they do and they are all of below

Step 11: Fuck Off! Or As They Say In France Le Happy New Year!

2005-01-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been while since the last time I posted. Well that's the last time I fall asleep in a Taiwanese whorehouse! I mean really you would think there would be a little more decorum among whores. Oh well, who needs two kidneys anyway...Be right back, I have to pee.

Well it's a new year; the big 05 or 20 ought 5 as the hip kids like to call it. I would like to start these New Year off first by saying I'm a total failure. Pretty much every goal I set for myself at the beginning of last year is still at the beginning stages at the start of this year. Now this would depress most people, and I'm defiantly most people. But it hit me that it's ridicules to mourn a lost year like you do your pet hamster or great grandmother who just kicked the proverbial bucket. NO! I say I will not let the self-pity monster grab me by the balls and twist, because it is I who will do the ball grabbing. It is I who will slap the shit out of my self and say fuck you, stop being such a lazy bastard. It is I who will Step Up!® It's a fresh year! SO what does that mean? Well I'm going to pretend like last year was just one long warm up for 2005 and so should you. You too can forget all that crazy fucked up shit you did last year or didn't do. Totally forget about it, push it out of your mind, its just taking up space. You know how you got fired from your job because the IT guy found all that shemale porn you downloaded? Well that never happened! Remember how you went on that weeklong binge with those hookers and you had a heart attack because you did enough meth to kill an elephant? Hell no you don't remember! You know how you cheated on the one you love and it turned out the person you cheated on them with gave you crabs and then you gave them to your loved one and you said it must be from the dog and he (or she) asked you how that could have happened and they didn't even know dogs could give you crabs and you just shrugged and said you didn't know? Well throw out that little comb my friend! Because it's a fucking new year!

So it's a New Year and with the New Year comes resolutions. Now you could go with the same old crap like losing weight or stop smoking or my personal favorite, be more productive. Or you can Step Up!® and try some of these new and improved resolutions! All these resolutions have been tested and calibrated by the very resolute What A Super Thing Everyone deviation of the Step Up!® Institute. Our top sociological scientists have hand picked some of the most Stepped Up!® resolutions every to exist up to these point in civilized society.

Step Up!® Institute List of
Stepped Up!® Resolutions and Bric-a-Bracs

Stop being annoying

Stop telling everyone about your cat

Take up clogging

Stop asking people what music they like so you can base how you should feel about them

Stop using any argument you saw on any of those 24/7 news channels, same goes for any talk radio

Wash behind your ears more

Start a club for ugly people so you can feel better about your self

Pet an animal you have never petted before

Learn to pick fights with people weaker then you so you can feel stronger

Act like a 14-year-old girl for the entire year

Eat some old fashioned microwave popping corn

Stop being so nice to crippled people just because they're crippled

Become a bad role model

Help lower the national penis size from 6" to 2" so all men can feel a little bit (haha fucking pun) better about themselves

Play make believe

Help convince woman everywhere that most men don't like fake breast

Invent a new fetish

Share your opinion only after you have thought about it for one whole day

Stop being so creepy

Make the world a better place

Smile more

Smile less

Eat something that everyone says taste like chicken and then go around telling everyone it doesn't

Have more slumber parties

Try to stop telling people around you how they should think about something

Become gay

Become straight

Laugh more at funerals

These are just some of the 300,842 Resolutions we came up with. You can get the rest by looking in the mirror and taking a deep thoughtful internal inventory of yourself and maybe staring at the clouds for a little bit.

Next up
Step 12:
The you have to love yourself before I can film it step

New Banner Crisp Pork Style

2004-12-11T17:57:00.000-08:00

Check it out, Chris the hottest piggy these side of the rocky mountains made us a brand new logo, uh banner, top of the page image?

Well it's awesome what ever it is!!

A Step is coming up, I'm for real these time!

Aunt Beatrice's Ice Cream Step Up! ®

2004-11-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

I was thinking, you know something I want to take things to a whole other level!

And with that one thought Aunt Beatrice's Ice Cream was born.

Come on all the cool kids are doing!

A Stepped Up!® way to World Peace

2004-11-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

Three words
(I don't count "with" as a word all you grammar nazis!)

Narcoleptic Midget with Tourettes

Can you feel the love?

Since posting this I was silenced by the craigslist.org communists!
But have no fear it will not stop me from my goal of world peace!

after editing this I realized I refer to nazis and communists in the same post...if that's not bringing the world together I don't know what is!

Do not dismay, A real Step Up!® step is on it's way!

Stepped Up! ® Awesome

2004-10-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

You may not know this but I have a canadian arch-enemy and he goes by the name WillietheCat and he thinks he is awesome. But it is I who is awesome!

So I Stepped Up!® and made a awesome campaign Ad hosted by awesome Maestro_Calhoun

AWESOME!!

Step I forget what number it is: Hurricanes, the End of Times and other fun things to do this fall

2004-10-09T01:18:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else see similarities between the weather channel and that movie The Day After Tomorrow as of late? Apparently we get an average of two hurricanes a year; so far we have had five. Now if that's not Mother Nature Stepping Up!® I don't know what is! In this step we are going to talk about all the wonderful things that come along with crazy weather and how you can make the best of them with the Step Up!® Program.

Floods: nature's wettest killer. Everything is getting all wet thanks to Ivan the hurricane and Billy the Tropical storm, ok I made that up but I can only remember Ivan. All I know is there has been a crap load of super killer hurricanes this year, but I guess that's what we get for naming one after a Russia tsar who everyone thought was terrible. I bet if they named it Izzy or Pippy it wouldn't have been so bad or at less when it was bad we could have heard the weather person go "Hurricane Pippy kills 30 people, injures a 100 more, trailerparkvill is now being designated a big pile of scrap now back to Dan with little sports heroes of the week" I think that would have made things a lot easier for us to handle. Talking about being able to handle! Am I the only one who has noticed that in ever place there's a flood there is a guy in a kayak just rowing along, like nothing even happened? Well I believe this is the most prepared man in the world. But he is only prepared for floods, I call this man Kayak Guy!!!! And he has totally Stepped Up!® You see families on their roofs shriving from being up there all night, but not kayak guy! He laughs at the shivering roof people for they will never understand the brilliance of owning a kayak totally for one purpose and that's to look like a stud daring a flood! Damn kayak guy is a pimp! Some people think kayak guy is a superhero with powers far greater then regular men, how else would he be able to kayak daring a flood? But I look at him more as a rebel, the bad ass of the flood, if you will. He wishes for floods, that's how bad ass he is!! Where we see a city street kayak guys sees 15 feet deep water and a cow swimming by. Kayak guy uses the movie Water World like porn, freaky hardcore porn. That's how into floods Kayak Guy is.

If floods and hurricanes weren't enough now we have earthquakes and volcanoes. Hollywood better start Stepping Up!® Because all the summer blockbusters better be pretty fucking awesome this year to be able to top what's going on in real life right now. Although Mt. St. Helens so far has really scored low on the OH MY FUCKING GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! Scale, It's some where between check the batters in your smoke detector on a regular bases and high mercury levels in tuna, but it still has hope of filling us all with irrational fear. Oh! One other thing everyone stop with all the different alert levels for every fucking thing on the planet, it's really getting on my nerves. I know I'm supposed to worry, I've read the Constitution. Here I'm going to combine all 1,743,293 different alert level charts, that have popped up in the last year, into one easy to use super Stepped Up!® alert level chart. There's only one level "Totally Fucked Beyond All Recognition " because according to every news network that's what we all are no matter what we do. Hmmmm I think I need to stop watching so much TV and go out into the real world, but first I need to order my bio chemical safety suit with matching goggles and hand bag.

Next up
Step 11: The funnier then this step step

BREAKING NEWS!!! Step Up!® has Stepped Up!®

2004-09-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks to HBOMB!

notice anything different? Well you can thank Hbomb for are new digs. That means now we can not only Step Up!® but Step Up!® in style.

And now for the official dubbing of the awesome title. (me clears my throat)

I Dr Moonman Founder of the Step Up!® institute and all around cool dude here by grant the honorary title and super awesome privilege of Professor of Step Up!® style and word mastery. HOORAA!

Step 9: The Future

2004-08-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

I read that lobotomies were at there peak in the 1940s and 50s and that got me thinking about how everyone always says how the 40's and 50's where the "good old days". So what that means is all we have to do to Step Up!® the "good old day" is bring back lobotomies! But were the good old days really that good? I'm sure if you asked a 70-year-old black person if he or she liked growing up in 1940s America he or she would probably laugh at you until you cried from sheer embarrassment. Or was there ever really a time that could be considered the good old days? Fuck if I know! Or is the “good old days” just a state of mind? Fuck if I care! I'm a 21-year-old whippier snapper who's worried about the problems of the future! And the future is now and now is where I is, so we need to deal with some stuff and I'm not talking about the war on terror or our slow economy or even the fact that the only two people we have to pick between as the leader of the united states are a rich duschbag fundamentalist moron who thinks we should bring back the hanger as the only form of birth control a woman can legally obtain and a rich duschbag who can't shut the fuck up about taking out some 16 year old Vietcong. No! What I'm talk about is the stuff that matters! This step I'm going to talk about how all the cool stuff we were promised for the future really hasn't happened yet and how with the help of Step Up!® we can fix this.

I love the cartoon the Jetsons, when ever I think about the future and the stuff that should be in it I think of the Jetsons. I live in Seattle, well not in Seattle but right by it and every time I go down town thanks to the "Spaceneedle" (awesome name for a building!) I'm reminded of all the cool concepts from the 1950's and 60's that never happened! Sure we have high-speed Internet and cell phones and super video game systems but none of that stuff comes close to flying cars and sassy robot maids. The closest thing we have to a sassy robot maids is that dumb robot vacuum and the only sassy thing it can do is bump into your ankle. People are already "developing emotional attachments" to their robot vacuums and they don't even talk! Maybe they can make sassy robot maids but they did some tests and found out we wouldn't be able to handle them. But I don't think I should be made to clean up my own messes just because some people are lonely and will end up losing their jobs because they will spend all there time at home humping their sassy robot maids! Step Up!® sassy robot maid makers! As for flying cars (hold on while I put on my conspiracy helmet) it's all the fault of big oil and...wait no that's cars that run on anything other then fossil fuel, which is also something that should have already happened, but no! It's just starting to happen!! We should have flying cars that fold into suitcases and while flying those cars we should be talking about how silly it was that we ever had cars with wheels that ran on dinosaur jizz. Step Up!® people and tell big oil you don't want their dinosaur jizz! We don't really even have Monorails, the monorail here in Seattle is from the 1962 worlds fair and it caught fire and is now out of order. But it's not like that's going to put any one out of their way because the thing only runs on a one-mile long track! So maybe all this time what I thought was the good old days was really the future and now is just, new...damn it! Well I guess I'll just have to be happy with my high-speed Internet and digital cable and hope that one day I to can hump my sassy robot maid in the back of my flying suitcases car under the shadow of one of the platinum monorail support beams...a man can dream Stepped Up!® dreams.

Next up
Step 10: I bet there were more hunting accidents before the color orange was invented step.

Me Me list Stepped Up!®

2004-08-13T02:44:00.000-07:00

This seems like the thing to do but I had to step it up! so I added some Stepped Up!® questions to it so......GO!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Have you Stepped Up!®?
32. Do you think I could kill someone in the name of Step Up!®?
33. If in the event super space robots were going to take over the world and the only way to save the world was to make a really cute kid cry would I do that?
34. What is my favorite tv show?
35. If you won the lottery and I asked you for a loan but never paid you back would you be mad?
36. Who do you think I think is hotter: mary-kate olsen or ashley olsen?
37. If I could pick one super power what would it be?
38. Will you send topless pictures of your self to byron.n@gmail.com?
39. If no, why not!?
40. Do you love me as much as I love you?
41. How many licks does it take to get to the center of the earth?
42. If I got in a fist fight would I A) fight back B) run away C) pretend I was retarded so the other guy would look like a real jerk and some bigger guy would step in and kick his ass for trying to beat up a mentally handicapped kid?
43. With a rubber band, a ballpoint pen and some gum could I get us out of any situation?
44. Would I ever want to be the President of the United States?
45. Are you still answering these silly questions?
46. Do I annoy you?
47. What do I want more money or love?
48. Would you pay $9.95 per minuet for the Step Up!® sex line even though it will just be migrant works reading the daily news paper?
49. Is this the end of the questions?
50. No this is.

p.s. this is not a step, please stay tuned for a real step!

Step 8: Anger management

2004-07-22T01:56:00.000-07:00

I think I've had a problem with anger lately so guess what I'm going to do, you're right! Step Up!® this step is going to be about anger and how to manage it, which is why the step is called " Anger management”. (This is going awesomely, I'm not even getting a little angry). Ok, first we have to breath in, one time an old wise Indian man (which pretty much all old Indian men are by default) told me that the eagle, like it's feather's, fly free and only you can find the smooth rock in the pond of your soul, which still makes absolutely no sense to me what so ever, but hey maybe it will help you OH MY GOD! Your turning blue! let it out! LET IT OUT! Breath OUT! Damn that was close, sorry. Ok back to managing anger. I want you to think of something that makes you really mad, we'll do this together. Got your thought? Good. I'm thinking of the last time I bumped my knee on my futon and how it really hurt and how I always bump my knee on that one spot, why do the futon people have to make the corners so sharp, why? It makes no sense! Every time!!! THE SAME PLACE! I HATE FUTONS! I WANT TO JUST PUNCH MY FUTON!!!! THAT WILL SHOW IT WHO'S THE BOSS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!...deep breaths...deep breaths...nice deep breaths...calming thoughts. Ok that was out of line and I'm sorry but nobody said Stepping Up!® anger management style would be easy and neither would punching my futon. So what did we learn there A) we have to control our anger and B) I hate all futons ever made. So lets recap

A) Regulate anger
B) Destroy all futons

So what that boils down to
A+B = Stepping Up!®

We are off to a great start! It's amazing what Step Up!® can do. Now lets try some role playing games think of someone who makes you angry now act out into a mirror what this person does to you and then act out how you would react and then how you should react, I'll go first.

Futon Guy: I make futons blah blah blah
Wrong me: Well I hate you!!! AND I'M GOING TO GET ROBOTS TO CRUSH YOUR EVIL FUTON FACTORY!!!!

See what I did wrong there? I should have instead of yelling said that in a calm controlled voice and been more to the point, like this.

Futon Guy: I make futons blah blah blah
Right me: I hope you die.

See how much more in control of my anger I am? This is some serious Stepping Up!® we are doing! Okay now for the finale step of Stepping Up!® anger management style. I want you to draw a picture of you acting out your anger. What this will do is let you see your anger and also show you what the repercussion of your anger would be.

Here is what I drew

Unfortunately after drawing this I thought it really wasn't that bad of an idea, boy was I wrong. Who would have thought a futon would make that much smoke! So what did I learn from this step? I learned that setting a futon on fire is illegal even if it's your own.

Next up
Step 9: The forbidden step of mystery! (uhhhhh awwwww)

Step 7: Indecency

2004-07-18T02:57:00.000-07:00

Warning: Due to new FCC and federal guide lines I have to inform you that this Step Up!® step is rated NC17 for foul language, drug references and nudity. you know, all the good stuff. So if you're offend by any of said stuff don't read this (freewill and all that jazz) Enjoy.

Dick Cheney did something so hypocritical I'm surprised a bolt of lighting didn't strike him on the spot, which as we all know is the customary thing that happens when baby Jesus cries. On the same day a bill was passed that would allow the FCC to increase the fines they can give to radio and television broadcasters for " indecent content”, Dick Cheney told Sen. Patrick Leahy to " Go fuck himself” or " Fuck off” or " I'm going to kill your fucking dog!” no one is totally sure what he said but it was something along those lines and we think he was on angel dust at the time. Now I'm not mad that Vic. Dick said those things, telling someone to fuck off is our god given right. But for some reason there are groups of people that feel that god doesn't like the words " fuck” or " tit” or " tit fuck”, which makes no sense because if god made everything why would he make stuff he doesn't like? I for one believe that god loves the word " tit fuck” and uses it on a daily basis. For a while there the U.S.A. was slowly taking the stick out of it's proverbial butt and it was Stepping Up!® but then Janet Jackson decided to weep out her boob and consequently gave every tight wad a big piece of ammo, well not a big piece, more like a small b sized piece of ammo. Americans Step Up!® what the hell is everyone's problem?! I've come to realize most of the stuff that I find funny or arousing is on the list of things the FCC and the rest of the up tight morons think is " indecent content” and that's really harshing my buzz. So fuck them! I think my opinion should matter just as much as those fucking idiots. So here is a list of stuff I find to be indecent and I feel I should get paid every time I hear or see any of them.

Stepped Up!® Indecency List

Oprah
Star Jones and her fake marriage to that gay guy
Dr. Phil
Pop music
MTV
The War on anything
George Bush
John Ashcroft
Everyone in politics
Politics it's self
Fundamentalist
White people who think there is no more racism in America
The american class system (yes there really is one)
Sitcoms
" Block Buster” movies
Liars (also see George Bush)
The Man
Punch and cookies together
Having my favorite movies re-cut so all the cuss words and naked chicks are taken out
People who define them self by a title like conservative or liberal
All news networks
Realty TV
The System
The Hilton sisters and that other one, Lionel Richie's daughter
Women with no ass
The Fabulous 5 for being the gay Amos and Andy
Redman and Method-man for being the new Amos and Andy
Jay Leno
That show " It's good to be (name of mentally challenged celebrity here)”
Lack of nudity
E! entertainment television
Cribs
Commercials
Corey Feldman

And that's just to name a few I could go on and on but I have a life unlike pricks like FCC Chairmen Michael Powell who keeps taking away all the cool stuff. So Chairmen Powell please Step Up!® and make the checks payable to " Island backing & trust & fish market” (tax reasons) thank you.

Next Up
Step 8: The big blue balls step

Step 6: Safety aka the 4th of July Step

2004-07-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July! Or as I like to call it teh British=Pwn3d!!!!11@!!

It's July 4th 2004 and we still haven't been able to come up with a firework that won't blow off a kids arm and thank god for that. I think a missing limb builds character (or a drinking habit) in a young child. At least a kid with one less arm won't join a gang, unless there is a gang of amputees in his/her area. This Step Up!® step is going to be about safety and how it's out of control and unsafe to be too safe. On December 19, 1988 lawn darts were banned in the United States and I have always felt a little empty inside because of this. Any game that involves throwing a large metal spike high into the air is all right by me and I don't care how many people get impelled I want my lawn darts! There is nothing I can think of that would be more enjoyable then to drink two six packs of beer and play lawn darts on a hot summer day while my dog runs around the yard. Now if that an't American I don't know what is. Lawn dart people Step Up!® and make this world a little less safe. On June 9, 1978 the Ford Motor Company recalled 1.5 million Ford Pintos. Why you ask? Because the fuel tank had a design defect, which made the Ford Pinto blow up if someone bumped into it from behind. I think this is an out rage! Not only do I think Ford recalling all of them is wrong but I think all cars should have this "design defect” in them, plus I think it should be added to the front of the car just so some nut job doesn't freak out and try and take out a bunch of people, at most we lose two people and the line at the DMV gets shorter. Just think how polite everyone would be if they know all it took was for someone to bump into them for their car to blow up. Say bye bye to road rage, and you sure as hell better believe people would obey the speed limit. But no! The safety police had to come in and take away what may have been one of the most revolutionary inventions of the 70's. Step Up!® Ford Motor Company you bunch of pussies. And now the 4th of July is back again and there isn't a signal place in the US of A that you can legally blow stuff up and that's pretty sad. We as a nation need to blow things up, it's in are blood, why do you think everyone keeps having heart attacks those are peoples hearts blowing up. Just seeing stuff blow up on TV and on movies isn't enough. if we don't get the right amount of blown up stuff bad things happen ::cough::iraq::cough:: I ‘m not saying that's the only reason why the war over there is going on, but I would like to see what would have happened if m80s where still legal, I bet it would have just been a warning or maybe a forum letter or something. But we will never know! All thanks to some over protective parents and bored old people. So everyone Step Up!® and stop being so safe it's really fucking up our evolution. Now excuse me while I go climb into an old refrigerator insulated with asbestos and play with some mercury

Next up
Step 7: The I sware it wont take a month to write this time step

Buy low! Step Up!®

2004-06-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

Invest in your life by investing in Step Up!®

Step 5: Celebrities

2004-06-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

You may not know this but most celebrities are dumb. That's why they need so many people around them. If they didn't have a manger, publicist, agent, joke writer, hair dresser, make up person, designer, personal assistant, dog walker and a posse of no less then 20 people with them at all times they would just be like every other mentally challenged person. But do I have a deal for them! Instead of giving 99.95% of the money they earn to all these people they could just send half to me and I would give them the gift of the Step Up!® program. There has already been a number of celebrities that have been enlightened by Stepping Up!® with out even knowing it! Wayne Brady! Jessica Simpson! and ALF! Just to name a few.(and they all will be receiving a letter from my lawyer for unauthorized Up Stepping!®) Take Arnold Schwarzenegger for example, he is now the governor of the dumbest state in the union and all because he Stepped Up!® and beat Gary Coleman and some other people I don't remember in a election I didn't care about. How if only every movie star or pop star or porn star, wait no, not all porn stars, some porn stars need to Step Down!® then Step Up!® then Step Down!® again then Step Up!® and then jump up and down a little. But back to what I was saying before and that's…hmm…uh, oh yeah! If only these other entertainers would just Step Up!® Take OJ Simpson for example, no on second thought he is going to have to Just Deal!®(another program, another time) How about Bob Saget, he was the king of Friday nights (1987-1995) but now what is he, a bitter angry man who says motherfucker every other word because he just wants to lose that cute Full House Dad persona and the best he can do now is whenever there is a thing about the Olsen twins he gets to be interviewed and says the same damn thing "Oh they are great girls" Bob we all know they are great girls. They have a net worth of over a billon dollars, stop faking not being a little pissed off that Michelle Tanner is now making more money in one day then you make all year. But Step Up!® can fix this. Bob I'm going too talk to you one on one, it's just you and me buddy. Everyone skip ahead this part is just for Bob Saget.

Bob I know how you feel it's hard being type cast, hell I know I get tired of being so damn sexy. But I Stepped Up!® I took lemons and made something that had lemons in the recipe. Well guess what Bob! You still have the thunder. You still have the fire blazing inside. You're still the cock of the walk! You just have to release it! You hear what I'm saying Bob, release your fire blazing thunder cock! No wait! Crap! That isn't what I meant. Don't do that, it wont help trust me. Look it all boils down to two little words, Step Up!® I know you can do it! Now go get them tiger!

Ok if you aren't Bob Saget you can start reading again, if you are Bob Saget stop reading and get to Stepping Up!® no time to waste. So just remember whenever someone says "celebrities are people just like you and me" take it as an insult and stop talking to that person.

Next up
Step 6: The I make this stuff up as I go along step

Step 4: Grab Bag

2004-06-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

Step 3: Healthy eating Neediness

2004-05-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well I know I said step 3 was going to be about healthy eating but I Stepped Up!® I came to the realization that I know nothing about healthy eating, hell I'm eating a day old slice of pizza hut pizza as I write this. So because there really should be a step 3 here is it's much better replacement and something I know a hell of a lot about. Neediness!

Are you a needy person? Do you wake up in the morning paralyzed by the fact your mate isn't right there to greet you but is instead at work doing things that don't involve you. Well with the Step Up!® program that no longer needs to be a problem. See most self-help programs tell you to stop being needy, that's bullshit. We at the Step Up!® institute look at neediness in it's true light. We love neediness because we know it will never leave us, it will stick to us like a sock to a t-shirt right out of the dryer. So here is a mantra I want all of you Step Uppers!® to say so you too can reap the benefits of neediness. Step Up!® will get you everything. Ask and ye shall receive. Whine and it shall be delivered unto you. Cling and you will be wrapped in the Saran Wrap of Love. And you people out there who don't feel that need to need that's ok, at the Step Up!® institute we have a data base of needy people. We will match you up using our
RPS matching system insuring you get the person that most fits your wants and needs. Trust us, once you have felt the true warmth that is a needy person you may never recover. So Step Up!® you needy and none needy alike, you need each other!
(restraining order not included)

Next Up
Step 4: Grab Bag!

Step 2 and a half: Oops I forgot

2004-05-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

A lot of times I forget stuff and this is one of those times. I just realized you all need help understanding how to use the power of the Step Up!® program in your everyday lives, e.g. when your at a kegger, sky diving, buying a birthday gift for your 125 year old Grammy all these situations and many more can be made better just by Stepping Up!®. Sure you could just mow the lawn but imagine doing it after you Step Up!® or how about delivering a baby in the back of a taxi or elevator, if that's done while Stepping Up!® that kid is going to be able to go through life knowing he was brought into this world by some weirdo in the back of a taxi or elevator who was Stepping Up!®. So what I'm saying is (and should have said in the first place) is I want to hear from you (Dr.Moon points at you), I want to help you Step Up!® because hey! not everyone has the power or the wind goddess inside of them, no wait! wrong program. Not everyone has the power to Step Up!® without some direction (or a check or money order, but we will get to that later).
So! Need Help? Step Up!®

Step 2: Time management

2004-05-21T01:53:00.000-07:00

See this sentence you are reading right now, this one, the one with the letters and numbers 2 and bad punctuation. It just took you 5 seconds to read that, maybe longer depending on how fast you can read or if you're stoned (which in that case you should move on to step 4 in the Step Up!® program). Do you realize seconds are just wizzing by, lost forever all because you don't know what to do with them! Well guess what no one knows what to do with time. A lot of people think they do, but they don't. They just mastered something you haven't and that's time management, they are "time management masters". You have to Step Up!® to become a time management master. Now the first thing you need to do to master time management is too buy a day timer, the more expansive the more time you can manage or even better get a "PDA" (that's nerd for electronic time manager or big waste of money). Don't go walking around with a yellow sticky pad or a etch sketch that's not going to do anything but make sense. In the world of time management nothing is sensible, up is down, blue is red, books that tell you how to clean your desk in the most efficient way cast $10.47. When you are managing time there is no time to use reason, you're doing too much stuff you're Stepping Up!®, you're programming your cell phone, you're trying to figure out if your espresso latte crappuccino has soy milk or whole milk in it. Now once you have your "day timer" you have to have stuff to put in it. To do this you will need to know a lot of people, not really know them just get their phone number or email address. When your managing your time you don't have time to build real personal relationships, you just have to get peoples business cards. Oh yeah! You are going too need too get one of those also, if you don't other time management masters won't know what to do with you and they may throw things at you because they will be angered by how you not only wasted your time but also theirs. Once you have all these things you will be on your way to becoming a true Step Up!® time management master but you will be wasting 110% more time and burning 5% less carbs, fat and calories.
Up next!
Step 3 in the Step Up!® program: Healthy eating.

Step Up!: The start of a Psychological revolution.

2004-05-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Self Help is a multi gazillion dollar industry? Well it is, at least that's what "We Know it All" polling & census says. So I was bored one day, well I'm bored most days but this day was different, I said too myself hey self! I have a 6th grad edjumacation how hard could this self help crap be. So after many hours of watching Dr. Phil and reading the back cover of Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus I think I am now a fully qualified Psychotherapists just like Dr. Laura. I call my program Step Up!® because all well crafted self help programs have a hook and that's mine. Has it hooked you yet? It should have, I've said it like a thousand times and I know I'm hooked. Maybe you need to do that if you aren't fully hooked yet. Matter of fact that's the first step in the program. Step 1: Say "I need to Step Up!® a thousand times. Once you've done that you should feel a little better or at least eaten up some time that you should have been using to do something more productive.
That brings us to Step 2: Time management.
Stay tuned for Step 2! in the Step Up® program